Insurmountable

This word is really hard to spell. Like it’s meaning, its great to overcome such spelling right? I spelled it as Insourmountable. Anyway, thanks to Google, I got it right.

Everyday, I always thought I can really overcome the challenges I have. Doing tasks for the house, helping aging parents especially they are getting old and sometimes sick. Add to taking care of my special younger brother plus the works or jobs I need to accomplish. Actually I have 2 or 3 jobs but good thing I can do it at home. But the stress of the other 2 jobs than teaching english is quite enormous.

That’s why I hope soon, I could focus more on the work I want to take than the work I am just helping through..

Every time I see Gerro has tantrums, cussing, cursing and yes even physical harm, I just falter down inside and out. Of course, he cries being sorry afterwards but sometimes it takes days he realized he done something wrong. Unless if you give him high dosage of his medication. At the middle of his struggle, back of my head or deep inside me, I just don’t know what to do. Add to the financial pressure that comes of taking care of him. He is indeed like a kid. A kid who just shouts or point to something he likes or else he throw a big one. Big scare or tantrums that most of the time, I’m the one who needs to calm him down. I thought working for around 10 years of customer service in the BPO will help but yeah, it did help. A little help.

Of course, I can say another obstacle I face is financially. In the short term I can say yes, we can sustain but how about in mid-term, long term? Dad can’t work for long now and as for me, I’m still studying on two things that can help financially but not like instant success right away. Definitely, I need to think of a business venture that is sustainable and will ease financial burden in the future plus save as well. The problem is I can’t think of any as of now. I know you might say I’m thinking too much, it’s easy to set up a business these days but I’m just being careful. I’ve set up one before and I just need to make sure the new one I’m putting will be a longer or sustainable venture. Or better while if I build one, I should do another job just to be financially secure…

Then, another problem I have of course, my path. I think of now as yes, I’m turning 35 and still single and hit by reality. Damn, is this mid life crap crisis or did I just fail? It’s a long story, but I don’t want to really blame what happened in the past for now. What should I do is think of what I can do now and in the future? I just realized that I contributed so much to others then underappreciated or worse, I getting depressed.

Yes, depression. Such word that sometimes, they easily put in the answers of a question how are you today? I’m sad, angry, depressed. Depressed. Such word that struck me.. When I read some stories of depression, especially from Kevin Love and TJ Manotoc, I was shocked that one event of their depression has the same as me. The panic attack I had 9 years ago. But of course, there were instances that I felt really really sad. Tired. Drained. Unhappy or guilty even I knew I didn’t do anything wrong.. Then yes, its affecting my self worth. I totally hate myself. I don’t love myself anymore. Plus add to the fact I’m single and friends have their own lives, then struck with problems that some of them I shouldn’t have but… I felt like floating in a pool, motionless, thinking aimlessly but still moving, just looking up and waiting. Yes, despite I had some things I’ve achieved and trying to please myself, it seems not enough.

I thought, how will I start my own path if I just stuck myself in a quicksand of despair…

It’s even hard to stare myself in the mirror. I felt time flew away and me, stuck in this rut. I just want to end.

It seems no hope left in me.. Too great to overcome.

Insurmountable. Yeah, I got it right now! The spelling of course.

Nah… Do you think I did give up easily? If so, I shouldn’t be writing here. =P

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