I don’t know but I’m quite relieved and thought stupid within the course of the Holy Week. After such contemplating and stuff, I’m now in an abyss..
I’m in a state of confusion as some of my other matters settled. Maybe as I reach that position of making it through, I fall again into that abyss.. I don’t know why is this happening or what. Maybe some things, old ways doesn’t seems to go away. It’s sad for me, and due to some pressures I face, I’m kinda down at moment.
Anyway, I admit, those old ways, darn JAV.. Can’t get over that addiction. Despite it’s one of the reasons I love Nippon, it’s still causing me such guilt and yes, into sin. I don’t know what to do get over with it, even after Holy Week or maybe I’m sick or stressed out despite I had a great rest. Honestly, I’m really tired after those years of watching it but when that moment comes, I feel such satisfied. After that, yes, crappy feeling.
Confusing isn’t it? But after hearing that message for the past week.. I know that Jesus, has plans already. Even in this state, or before.. I believe in his words, he doesn’t look at my past or even my sins. It means, he’ll always be there. Always..
It’s up to me, to go forward and be renewed. I don’t know how or if that’s is possible. But I should never doubt from this moment forward, what he can do for me. I’m anxious, or even paranoid, but what less support I got outside, of course people are getting busy left and right… Less comfort I can get from others at this point yet, well… I have no choice but for now, I know I might sound selfish or self contained.. It’s time for me, to have courage and be renewed!