Furious/Envious

If you’re a family member reading this. First of all, I’m sorry and please understand me. But I’m not angry o hatred, lipas na at now moving forward.. =) I still love you. hehe

May mga parte sa buhay natin na naisip mo, dapat di ko na ginagawa o sana iba na lang gumagawa. Kaso sa situation ko, mukhang wala ako choice. Masakit at nakakapanggigil. Being single is fine, but kung single ka with added responsibilites, it’s not fun and getting always in my nerves.

When you wake up, kung buenas ka eh mangkukulit si Mommy due of money kahit ilan beses mo na pagsabihan o explain na wala pa. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Of course, di mo pa kasama dun ang problem ni Kuya which I don’t want to really elaborate, in the end it caused animosity sa buong family. Trust broken, hatred flourished. Blaming growing. Even me, I was not spared. Although pinatawad ko na o tapos na sa kin, it’s just I’m worried about him and his family. Great thing for him, he has still the family intact.

Add to that pressure recently eh I know I’m quite escaping such responsiblity but now wala akong choice. To look and take care of Gerro. I just saw his results of his exam and it’s heart wrenching. He’s indeed special. Pero mahirap din kasi he’s a person na with his condition, no compromise or even remorse. Slim to none EQ, and simply he’s a kid in his own mind. It’s sad to see that report, It’s hard to accept that for the rest of his life kahit wala pa certify ng doctor, I anticipated that he’ll be like this.

I’m the one who will guide him, or even accompany him as his body grows old and his mind still fresh as a kid.

There you have it, a dude who will live in the next years with a nagging mom, a distant relationship with his older brother and a guardian to his special youngest brother. To top that, I need to look after si Dad who well, doing his best to provide even in his sensitive health condition. The eldest na well, living in a most secluded way with his son na still asking for help to Dad. A loving sister who has tempers sometimes but always firm force sa amin. Pinagagalitan niya ako kahit tama naman gingawa ko. hehe Pero ok na yun.

Everytime I watch What’s eating Gilbert Grape, I really thought, Gilbert is still lucky, he has a girlfriend then very productive siblings kaso ganun talaga may malas sa buhay and a nagging Mom. Then a special brother pero Leo naman ang face. hehe I felt he’s lucky than I am. They have a bond kasi.

That’s why I’m envious to most families I know.  Kahit di naman masagana ang buhay eh masaya pa din at may bond. They have family dinners or kahit simpleng labas lang magkakasama kayo. Pag may problema yun isang kapatid, damayan hanggang kaya and learn by it’s own pagkatapos pero may kaunting support pa din.

Parents are there to guide you, not spoon feed as you grow up. Giving sound advice from Mom or Dad. Although marami sa kanila siyempre may topak din lalo na pagtanda, pero magkasama pa din sila. hehe

I don’t have that. It’s really disheartening if that’s a right word and I thought what if, I’m not here anymore. Death might be the answer. That’s swirling in my mind not only today kahit the last year of HS, it’s there.. It’ll be always there. What they will do if I’m not here anymore.

Lalo na nangyari this year, no bond, or worse bad blood between siblings, not including me. I’m just at the middle. However, trust is a hard word to memorize for each of us. It’s sad.. I always give trust to them, but in return, parang iba pa yun binabalik sa kin. Minsan galit pa di ba.

Pero totoo nga kasabihan, the messenger always gets whacked. hehe It’s true. Despite my effort to reach out every single member of this family, they still thought na may kailangan ako or may pinapaboran ako, wala. Wala talaga. I still love them. Love is the only thing that keeps me believing in this family. I still love my Dad kahit mahigpit siya at sinasabon ako lagi kahit tama naman ginagawa ko except for some existing misses. hehe Dad also, even may mga pagkukulang pa din kami, tinutulungan niya pa din kahit mahina o minsan wala naman mabigay, bigay pa din. Kaya minsan nahihiya na ko o kami.

I still love my Mom despite her nagging and crying and rants about life. Although medyo masungit ako pero pagpinabibigyan mo naman grabe. =( But I still love her. Always.. Mom has reasons that until now, I don’t know if she understand. But we still love her, and understand at least.

Kuya Allan despite well, unproductive, we still talk about newest gadgets, tricks, anime stuff and well same stuff. Looking after din kay Aljune. Ate Aila despite her misconceptions about me, even one time I got angry kasi sobrang ano ano iniisip niya sa kin. I still love her and help her especially in these confusing times at our family, I support her and her family.

Kuya Alpro, well as much all the advices I’ve given to him or explanation it seems he won’t accept mistakes. I forgive him yun mga ginawa niya sa kin dati or even this past year, despite we have a big gap in some aspects as my next Kuya eh ok lang naman. I still forgive him and love him. Siyempre sama mo pa yun family niya. =)

Algerro despite everybody gave up to him, I have no choice but I’m the one to take care of him. I’m doing my best to understand him and love him kahit may sariling mundo siya. Kahit ginawa mo lahat and he still shouts at you or hurt you, ok lang sa kin. Sino pa ba di magmamahal sa kanya, kung ako na lang. Great thing about him, I know di naman fully showing sa faith niya but he loves God. Sometimes he prays with me.. hehe That’s the only thing I can teach him that in the long run, sana talaga by the love of God, having faith with Jesus, I know he won’t change but love will overflow through him and make him better and I pray and hope..

In the future, he can live independently or less supervision. He can anywhere but still come back here perhaps. hehe

I’m furious because despite all the efforts I’ve done or sacrifices, sometimes your reward eh galit o not satisfied. What the hell I’m going to do with this? I’m not enough?!

I’m envious because other families or most I’ve know are not like this. Kahit broken family they still talk. Even sibling rivalry happens, they still help each other in times of need not only in financial needs. Friends you can depend than your own family or sometimes, they understood more than your own family.

Its quite alarming or you can say disturbing. But that’s my life.. Before I thought as long I stay strong inside and out kahit situation ko in our family, I’ll be fine. But I’m not. Way far from being ok.

Kahit humingi ako ng advise from other people or counseling, nagawa ko na ata lahat na maiisip ko actions, it won’t work.

That’s why, I feel some parts ng araw ko, I’m in a void. I’m in an abyss that I don’t want to go through. Weird to say, sometimes, I’m better working than staying in the house kasi the stress are higher at home than at work. Weird..

It is true that what really scares me is not death but the feeling of loneliness. Or even leaving them behind when I’m gone.

Its always running in my mind and heart and anticipation sets in that I accept I might end up single forever. Single blessedness perhaps. Not because I don’t like women. I love them. hahaha But due to my situation, lalo ngayon, I can’t even have a date! hehe Eh parang na backseat na going to a relationship. I really miss it, but I have goals to reach first tapos looking after this family.  Pagkatapos ko magbasa not only yun Bible, but also purpose driven life then some events na nangyari sa amin, mukhang yun ang aking purpose which hit hard when I’m old.

I’m here to guide this family to a better path.. Oh God, why you’ve given me such impossible task…

Of course, if God permits me going into a relationship.. Why not? hehe I hope that my partner, she will also understand Gerro. =)

I envisioned in the future that the animosity within this family will end in a better note. I’m not expecting magsama ulit sina Mom and Dad but I hope they’ll forgive each other. I know they won’t forget what happened but they’ll forgive in the grace of God. hehe Kuya Allan will be productive for his Aljune. Ate Aila will have a better life with the love of her family. Kuya Alpro will rise up from the failures he experienced.

Algerro doesn’t need me for his basic needs, but still talking about his likes, infatuation with DJ’s and still hates smiling  girls and local stars. hehe

As for me, walking in that autumn road with my wife and some children of course, secured. Truly Rich. Not only happy, but very joyous. =)

I want to thank God for providing everything even bad events or failures.. The graces that our family receives everyday despite hardship. We’ll be forever grateful for that.

I want to thank Jesus for coming in my life believing that there is someone I can really talk to in times of my trials, difficulties and even fun and happy moments. I know you came late in my life but fault ko naman yun. hahahaha Jesus, indeed the one you provide is priceless.. Immesurable.. Unimaginable, intagible. Love it is. Siyempre faith na keeps me going then hope burns that desire.. I know I might fail or still fail, but I know you’re still there for me.. and for my Family! =)

I want to thank the Holy Spirit. Yes, talagang catholic. =) For such mysterious presence you have in my life. The guide that leads me of serving God and living like or some like Jesus. Dati binabalewala kita pero importante ka talaga. hehe Lalo na in the moments of prayer that I can’t explain. Yun pala, may message ka pala. =)

I want to thank and love my friends, the closest friends I have. Despite getting old, I still have a number or let’s say a lot of friends. Some of them, I treat them like my brother or sister kasi sila yun nakakasama ko sa hirap at saya. Kahit most of the time I have no close sibling, eh sila naman yun nagiging motivation ko to enjoy life as they give love and life to me, kahit yun dati pa na hanggang ngayon, kahit nakita ko lang or nagusap sandali.. I still cherish them. I hope when I’m successful soon, eh mareward ko kayo. hahaha. Hindi sana ika nga ni Rheg at ng mga CG head ko. Claim na yan!

I want to thank to those people I encountered, from my first work, sa business ko dati, or even at my current work and sa future pa. I learned a lot of being how to deal with people, develop my personality at higit sa lahat, working hard. Sometimes, working hard eh kala todo ka magtrabaho, mas magaling ka pa sa iba.. Di ganun.. Working hard or doing a great job sa company is working smart plus working with others harmoniously, sana tama spelling. hehe I hope to see you somewhere. hahaha

I want to thank my community LOJ!! Thank Jesus for this community. As a fan of not only of Bro Bo, but also other writers sa didache, eh mas maganda pala pag nasa community ka. hehe It’s not only fun or inspiration but also living through hollistically especially in dire times. In Jesus’ way. =) It helped staying in my faith, strengthen it, knowing a lot in every aspect sa life, meeting fantastic or sometimes weird people but well.. In God’s eyes, we are all equal. To all builders, speakers and servants, good job and I hope masustain lahat ng the Feast and of course.. Our growing community! In the name of Jesus.. Amen. =)

I want to thank my blog. For serving as a mirror of my personality or even a different me. I am still quite shy to speak out or be talkative unless nagcalls ako. hehe Kahit wala masyadong feedback, eh alam ko may nakakabasa o nakakaintindi sa kin. Sana nga may feedback but don’t worry, next year, since medyo mababawasan na ko ng gagawin o nakasked lahat eh mukhang maayos na kita in both blogger and wordpress. We will go for six my dear!

See, despite being furious and envious.. He calms that and says to me.

Life is beautiful!

Don’t worry, maybe next time. Great things will be shown here.

In God’s magnificent time.

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